Breakdown- Number 3

It was 8:30 am on Sunday, March 29, and John and I were taking our time here in Lees Creek to give Holly and Anthony more time this morning. plus, let Kyndra unwind a little more. And then the phone rang. It was Holly. she was wondering when we were coming to the hospital. I told herI didn't know. She said she wanted us to stop in Sabina at the IGA store and pick her up some donuts. you see, she grew up on IGA donuts at home and she was hungry for some. So, she told me what they wanted and to get a dozen for the nurses. Told her ok, hung up, and started to get ready to head to hospital.
Made it to Sabina. The store didn't have what she wanted so called them and got something else and picked up 1 1/2 dozen for the nurses. Finally, we were on our way to Wilmington. Kyndra was so happy in the car, she was either excited to see her parents or happy to get rid of grandma and grandpa. We let her walk to wear her out and she liked the elevator. Got into the room and she smiled so big and wanted her mommy who was holding Carleigh. I showed them the donuts that I got and the ones for the nurses and Holly wrote a thank you note and I took it to the nurses station for them. Kyndra spied a magnet on the fridge and she wanted it. I dressed her in her little Michigan dress and she looked so cute in it, and they let her play with it for a while then we went back to the room.
Holly handed Carleigh to me and I was glad to have her in my arms again. She was wrapped in her fuzzy pink blanket, that was soft and warm. I unwrapped her to look at her again and the perfect little thing she was. I want to ask why so much but it isn't going to do me any good until I see Jesus. And really by then it won't matter either because she is healthy and whole now.
Handed her to John so he could hold her before more family came. Kyndra started to get fussy so John took her to the waiting room and then Judy walked in with her mom and Krissann. Stayed awhile then I left too. The Todd, Chantel, and Rob came.
After they all left and it was just Holly, Judy, and I, Holly commented on how she wanted to blog while she remembered everything but the room wasn't set up for the laptop like the last room. So, when the nurse came in she asked her about it and the nurse was so nice to her that she let her use the computer in the nursery since noone was in there. She rounded up chairs for all of us to sit in. Holly asked which one of us wanted to hold her and I told Judy she could. She stared at her and unwraped her to get a better look. After all, this was the day she was leaving the hospital so we had to take it all in. I just sat there watching her taking it all in.
Then Judy handed her to me and she left to go to the waiting room to get Bud I think. As I sat there Holly was busy blogging. I started to rock Carleigh (natural instinct I guess) and found myself singing to her "JESUS LOVES ME" (like I do Kyndra and Audrey all the time) and I got to the end of the song and found myself getting weaker to the words of the song and the tune I'm singing getting more faint. My eyes are fixed on Carleigh and I can hear the pecking of the keyboards in the background.
I started to weep again but this time it was so uncontrollable and I was crying so hard, Holly must have sensed something different because she stopped blogging and put her hand on my leg and said "Mom, are you ok?" and I looked up at her and said "I am so sorry, Honey, "I am trying so hard." I can't even begin to tell you how many times I said that, just kept saying it over nad over again. And she said to me, "It's ok, mom." By this time I am having a hard time breathing because of crying . Bud and Judy walk into the room and Judy sits right beside me, Bud to her side so he is facing me and I look up to the two of them and repeat the same thing I just told Holly. I also said "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" trying to get a breath to settle myself. Bud looks at me, touched my arm and told me it was ok to cry, the way I wanted to cry. It was MY grief and how I handle it will be different from everyone else. We all grieve differently and I shouldn't have to apologize for that to anyone. I thanked him and told him he was right. He said we all have to grieve in our own way in order to get to the next step. This process of dying and grieving is our own to deal with. I appreciated that so much from him at that time. It helped me at least for the moment.
Holly had finished her blogging and I handed Carleigh to her and we walked back to her room.