Breakdown- Number 2

Carleigh was born at 3:49 am and we all stayed in the room and watched her get a bath, and Holly dressed her, and then we watched as they took her foot and hand prints, and then we all took turns holding her. I will never forget that moment when she was placed in my arms by Anthony's dad. I looked at her and held her close to me and started to weep. I remember standing in the middle of the room, frozen in time , just her and I and I remember telling her I loved her and how beautiful she was and holding her close to me and holding her fingers and touching her all over and then I knew I had to give her up for someone else to hold. Watching everyone else showing so much love and knowing we were all tied as one big family now, more than ever. The Haas's and the Putnam's.
The pain of watching my husband hold his granddaughter and see the look on his face was so unbearable. Holly at this point was eating while everyone was taking turns holding her and
I remember thinking it is 5 am already and it was time to let people know that our little Carleigh had been born, so I grabbed my phone and went to the downstairs lobby by the elevators and looked out the window into the dark and called Ed Boutwell (family friend). I told him all I could while trying not to cry,and then hung up to call the next person. I looked out the window again and composed myself and called my sister, Nancy, and told her and we cried together and told her to let everyone know because I couldn't. I hung up from her and knew I had 1 more to make.
I looked out into the dark and took a deep breath and dialed Peggy (friend) and told her all the details that I knew and told her call Pastor from our church, she said she was so sorry and I broke at that moment, I said "Oh Peggy, this is not the way it was suppose to be, "it was suppose to be different for Holly". and I asked her to just pray for us now, she said they would and we hung up. When we hung up I completely lost it again and was crying so hard and loud it is a wonder it didn't bring everyone running. But as I was crying I remember sliding down the side of the wall and pounding my fist 5 times in the wall crying "Why" (5 times). it was then that Anthony and Judy, came over to help me up and I hugged him and loked into his eyes and said "Oh, Anthony, I am so very sorry." He hugged me and kept telling me it was ok. How strong for him and Holly to be to help hold the rest of us up when it should be the other way around. But, until you are in that moment you don't know what you would do. I certainly didn't think I would react that way but I did. I can't apologize for that.
Then they left and Jason and Katrina came and Jason handed Audrey over to me, and I held her so tight, I kissed her so many times and cried again. I looked at Jason and told him Thank you for Audrey at that moment because I needed to hold her. We stayed for a while in that lobby till we went back to see her again because I wanted and needed to be close to Holly. I am not even sure when John and I came home with Kyndra but I know we were exhausted. We needed sleep before we came back on Sunday.