Breakdown- Number 1

I wanted to write about the times for me at Carleigh's birth. It was the most painful thing I have ever endured as a wife, mother and especially grandmother. I love my children (Son-in-laws included) and grandchildren so much that I would give my life for them in an instant.
It started when they induced her and of course we all were in and out of her room and the waiting room for the long haul. We ended up taking over 2 waiting rooms and that was all family, and everyone stayed the entire time.I was helping with Kyndra and Audrey and trying to get them to sleep so a good part of the time was spent in the chapel where it was quiet and dark. I found myself singing to them all the little songs I learned at church and humming to them till they finally gave up. I sat there in that little chapel and said my prayers too, for things to go well in the hours ahead.
We were all getting tired I think and some did go to sleep and the rest of us stayed up and talked and joked around probably to keep each other awake. I remember saying to John's family that Holly should have had Carleigh by now because of the time.
No sooner did I say that and I heard Judy (Anthony's mom) say "Here comes Anthony" and I stood up out of my chair, and so did everyone else. I walked around (though it seemed like a run to me, I knew something was wrong because of the look on his face. A look I will never forget.)
Like I said, I walked around to where he was and he came up to us and I stood in front of him and he looked down at me and something that pierced me, he said "I'm sorry , she's gone, she didn't even get a breath of life." I screamed and cried all at once and said "No, No No, Anthony, It wasn't suppose to happen this way." I felt myself falling and my son-in-law held me and said "it's ok, it's ok". I cried for what seemed like a long time and then turned to see my mother-in-law standing there ready to hug me and I looked at her and said "oh, mom it wasn't suppose to be like this, "This was not what Holly wanted".
I remember Anthony telling us we could go see her, so I think I walked (ran) as fast as I could to get to my daughter, whose heart must have been breaking because I knew mine surely was. The minute I got to her bed, I saw this very beautiful little angel that was born still and I got close to her and leaned over to get a good look at this miracle from God and I started to cry like I have never cried before in my life and I kissed her little toes, her little hands, and stroked her little knees and said "Oh little Carleigh, grandma loves you so much. I remember then I fell to my knees by the bed and cried "Why"---"Why not me?". I remember someone trying to pull me up (it was my husband, John) and I said "No, I want to be here." By then the rest of the family had arrived. I stayed on my knees for a bit longer then got up and Ashley was taking pictures of all the events happening, but we were all caught up on our grief we didn't even notice the flashes or unaware of anything around us, at least that is what it was for me.