We all went to the Columbus Zoo on Saturday and it was so much fun to get away and do something as a family. I really enjoy that and it brings me such happiness. No phones (well sorta), no computers, nothing to interfere with our time together. The girls loved it and they were fussy at times too but that was because they didn't want to rife in the strollers, they wanted to walk. We let them walk some times and they had a blast.
Watched the fish in the tanks and they tried to catch them, thought it was neat how they swam up to them. It is such a wonderful feeling to watch a child explore and have fun. The weather was nice with no rain. A lot of walking but good exercise. Sorry Katrina, if we made it bad for you, hopefully babyMotter didn't mind the walk. It will be great when she is born.
Yes, we should do more fun family things, to make the memories to keep with us. We shouldn't let life get so busy that we never have time to enjoy ourselves.
So, children of mine, think of our next adventure for us to explore and have fun. As long as it doesn't involve going in circles, getting to close to edges or drop offs, and nothing high to go down.
Thought you would like that.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Misunderstood
I feel I must retract my last blog because of the feedback I have been receiving. First, I love my daughter with all my heart and would NEVER do anything to take her away from her computer because I know it is very therapeutic for her to be on and how she helps others through their journeys. Second, I had a talk with Holly this weekend and have worked it out between us. But, thank you all for being so concerned. It was never my intent to take her away from her computer and the blog world she likes. All I (we) wanted was to have some time with her like you all do in blog land. Maybe it is I who needs to stay away.
I write because it helps me also, not to hurt anyone else especially my daughter. I want her to spend as much time on here as she wants to help her heal if that is what it takes for her to go through her journey. I am very sorry if I offended anyone but as much as you all love her I love her more she is my daughter and baby and I want what is best for her. Thank you all for loving her too and helping her through this difficult time. My prayers are lifted to EVERY mother/family who has or had to endure this rough and difficult journey. Somehow we are connected and may we all be gentle with each other with the love and respect we ALL deserve.
Thank you and may God bless each and every one of you.
I write because it helps me also, not to hurt anyone else especially my daughter. I want her to spend as much time on here as she wants to help her heal if that is what it takes for her to go through her journey. I am very sorry if I offended anyone but as much as you all love her I love her more she is my daughter and baby and I want what is best for her. Thank you all for loving her too and helping her through this difficult time. My prayers are lifted to EVERY mother/family who has or had to endure this rough and difficult journey. Somehow we are connected and may we all be gentle with each other with the love and respect we ALL deserve.
Thank you and may God bless each and every one of you.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sorrow and Grief
I guess I have been thinking alot about this lately and thought I would write about it maybe helping me in the process and all who read it. First, it is hard to believe that it has been 4 months already since our little sweet Carleigh went home to Jesus. There are so many out there who think that it has been enough time for Holly to move on and I must admit that as her mother I think it from time to time but then I get this whisper in my ear that says "Wait a minute, maybe she isn't ready". It brings me back to reality. I have never had a baby pass away so I don't know what she is going through, I can only imagine and that is bad enough. I do know that my (old) Holly is gone and replaced by a (new) Holly. As a mother it is taking time to get used to that but I am. She is so much like the "other" Holly that I can hardly tell the difference. I love her the same if not more, love grows believe it or not.
I know I mentioned to a family member who was concerned about her and how she was doing and wanted her to be moving in the process, (and not being mean about it just concern) and I reminded her that it had only been 4 months and if we were in her shoes we would be so mad if someone tried to tell us to move on or (get over it) like people say. She agreed with me that it would tick her off if people did that to her or myself for that matter. But, we are only concerned for her because we love her so much.
As her mother I know this is a process and we all grieve differently and in our own timetable . In my heart I don't think people expect her to be over it so quickly, what I do think (and I could be wrong) is that people want her to be less on the computer and more with family. I love the fact that she can intertwine with other moms who have went through the same thing as her but at the same time we are here living with her and want to reach out to her and no one knows what to say or do because we are perceived as not understanding. No one knows what you are going through that is true, but helps us (family) who are close to you and love you to understand by reaching out to us instead of a screen. Maybe I speak for alot of people who are trying their best to reach others too??? I don't know.
I look at Carleigh's pictures and it floods my heart and soul that it comes back in my face that she is carrying such a pain, I understand that, I am a mom and a woman. Can someone out there help me to understand ? What floods me is that I KNOW Carleigh IS in Heaven, and I KNOW she IS Healthy and she IS in the arms of Jesus, we know this for certain, so if we know this why is it hard to go on with living our lives and getting back to our families and our routines of daily living? There should be no question if we know in our hearts to be true that they are in Heaven.
I won't lie, I want my daughter to get back to her routine and do the things she did before, knowing Carleigh is OK and she is fine and that to be with her again we all do what we must to make sure we get there. Do we forget our children? NO, they will ALWAYS be a part of our families and a part of our hearts. We will always experience the firsts of everything till time takes us where we no longer grieve but we are happy. And we never forget , her name will always come from our mouth because she is so much a part of us.
If , by chance we say the Lord has helped us and we are stronger in our faith because of Him, and the prayers being lifted, then shouldn't we go on knowing God is in control and is watching over us and has all our best interests at heart. I think we should. Would that be a slam to God if we didn't but we said we were?
Finally, this is is no way to take away any grief anyone has endured at all , because i don't know your pain and we all grief differently and on our own timetable, but can I just for one minute have you think about others (for 1 minute) and how they try to communicate with you, love you and try to help you through. Can you see it through their eyes maybe? I love my daughter and there isn't anything i wouldn't do for her, I would give my life for her , I will help in any small way i can for her all she has to do is reach out and that is all anyone is asking, just give people a chance.
I know I mentioned to a family member who was concerned about her and how she was doing and wanted her to be moving in the process, (and not being mean about it just concern) and I reminded her that it had only been 4 months and if we were in her shoes we would be so mad if someone tried to tell us to move on or (get over it) like people say. She agreed with me that it would tick her off if people did that to her or myself for that matter. But, we are only concerned for her because we love her so much.
As her mother I know this is a process and we all grieve differently and in our own timetable . In my heart I don't think people expect her to be over it so quickly, what I do think (and I could be wrong) is that people want her to be less on the computer and more with family. I love the fact that she can intertwine with other moms who have went through the same thing as her but at the same time we are here living with her and want to reach out to her and no one knows what to say or do because we are perceived as not understanding. No one knows what you are going through that is true, but helps us (family) who are close to you and love you to understand by reaching out to us instead of a screen. Maybe I speak for alot of people who are trying their best to reach others too??? I don't know.
I look at Carleigh's pictures and it floods my heart and soul that it comes back in my face that she is carrying such a pain, I understand that, I am a mom and a woman. Can someone out there help me to understand ? What floods me is that I KNOW Carleigh IS in Heaven, and I KNOW she IS Healthy and she IS in the arms of Jesus, we know this for certain, so if we know this why is it hard to go on with living our lives and getting back to our families and our routines of daily living? There should be no question if we know in our hearts to be true that they are in Heaven.
I won't lie, I want my daughter to get back to her routine and do the things she did before, knowing Carleigh is OK and she is fine and that to be with her again we all do what we must to make sure we get there. Do we forget our children? NO, they will ALWAYS be a part of our families and a part of our hearts. We will always experience the firsts of everything till time takes us where we no longer grieve but we are happy. And we never forget , her name will always come from our mouth because she is so much a part of us.
If , by chance we say the Lord has helped us and we are stronger in our faith because of Him, and the prayers being lifted, then shouldn't we go on knowing God is in control and is watching over us and has all our best interests at heart. I think we should. Would that be a slam to God if we didn't but we said we were?
Finally, this is is no way to take away any grief anyone has endured at all , because i don't know your pain and we all grief differently and on our own timetable, but can I just for one minute have you think about others (for 1 minute) and how they try to communicate with you, love you and try to help you through. Can you see it through their eyes maybe? I love my daughter and there isn't anything i wouldn't do for her, I would give my life for her , I will help in any small way i can for her all she has to do is reach out and that is all anyone is asking, just give people a chance.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Holly
I just wanted to write this and tell you how deeply sorry I am if I hurt you. I realized looking at the pictures of Carleigh in the scrapbook that you indeed have a pain I will NEVER know. But, I want you to understand (if you can) that you are my daughter and I have you here on earth and I want to hold you, love you and do whatever I can to help you through this. I know it won't go away and nor would I want it to but, I would like you to see where I am coming from. it broke me to see her stone, i wanted so badly to hold her.
I don't ever want to make you feel like you should hurry up and "get over it", because you never will. All I ask is you don't shut me out even if we go slow in the process. That is OK with me, your grief and mine are different (as they should be) but mine is still there. I love my new Holly and I can deal with her (I've had practice with the old Holly-lol) I just want you to take your time in all of this and know I will be here whenever you need me. Trust in that.
I don't ever want to make you feel like you should hurry up and "get over it", because you never will. All I ask is you don't shut me out even if we go slow in the process. That is OK with me, your grief and mine are different (as they should be) but mine is still there. I love my new Holly and I can deal with her (I've had practice with the old Holly-lol) I just want you to take your time in all of this and know I will be here whenever you need me. Trust in that.
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