I guess I have been thinking alot about this lately and thought I would write about it maybe helping me in the process and all who read it. First, it is hard to believe that it has been 4 months already since our little sweet Carleigh went home to Jesus. There are so many out there who think that it has been enough time for Holly to move on and I must admit that as her mother I think it from time to time but then I get this whisper in my ear that says "Wait a minute, maybe she isn't ready". It brings me back to reality. I have never had a baby pass away so I don't know what she is going through, I can only imagine and that is bad enough. I do know that my (old) Holly is gone and replaced by a (new) Holly. As a mother it is taking time to get used to that but I am. She is so much like the "other" Holly that I can hardly tell the difference. I love her the same if not more, love grows believe it or not.
I know I mentioned to a family member who was concerned about her and how she was doing and wanted her to be moving in the process, (and not being mean about it just concern) and I reminded her that it had only been 4 months and if we were in her shoes we would be so mad if someone tried to tell us to move on or (get over it) like people say. She agreed with me that it would tick her off if people did that to her or myself for that matter. But, we are only concerned for her because we love her so much.
As her mother I know this is a process and we all grieve differently and in our own timetable . In my heart I don't think people expect her to be over it so quickly, what I do think (and I could be wrong) is that people want her to be less on the computer and more with family. I love the fact that she can intertwine with other moms who have went through the same thing as her but at the same time we are here living with her and want to reach out to her and no one knows what to say or do because we are perceived as not understanding. No one knows what you are going through that is true, but helps us (family) who are close to you and love you to understand by reaching out to us instead of a screen. Maybe I speak for alot of people who are trying their best to reach others too??? I don't know.
I look at Carleigh's pictures and it floods my heart and soul that it comes back in my face that she is carrying such a pain, I understand that, I am a mom and a woman. Can someone out there help me to understand ? What floods me is that I KNOW Carleigh IS in Heaven, and I KNOW she IS Healthy and she IS in the arms of Jesus, we know this for certain, so if we know this why is it hard to go on with living our lives and getting back to our families and our routines of daily living? There should be no question if we know in our hearts to be true that they are in Heaven.
I won't lie, I want my daughter to get back to her routine and do the things she did before, knowing Carleigh is OK and she is fine and that to be with her again we all do what we must to make sure we get there. Do we forget our children? NO, they will ALWAYS be a part of our families and a part of our hearts. We will always experience the firsts of everything till time takes us where we no longer grieve but we are happy. And we never forget , her name will always come from our mouth because she is so much a part of us.
If , by chance we say the Lord has helped us and we are stronger in our faith because of Him, and the prayers being lifted, then shouldn't we go on knowing God is in control and is watching over us and has all our best interests at heart. I think we should. Would that be a slam to God if we didn't but we said we were?
Finally, this is is no way to take away any grief anyone has endured at all , because i don't know your pain and we all grief differently and on our own timetable, but can I just for one minute have you think about others (for 1 minute) and how they try to communicate with you, love you and try to help you through. Can you see it through their eyes maybe? I love my daughter and there isn't anything i wouldn't do for her, I would give my life for her , I will help in any small way i can for her all she has to do is reach out and that is all anyone is asking, just give people a chance.
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6 comments:
Hate to tell everybody out there but you never "move on" you just learn how to live a new normal. I'm glad you were able to explain to someone that indeed it has only been 4 months. There really isn't a whole lot of differences in me now. Most people prolly wouldn't even notice but I do.
You know, right now I really don't care if people want me to spend less time on the computer. First, no family lives by us when I am on the computer the most so it's not like anybody is missing out on spending time with me. Second, fellow moms can correct me if I'm wrong but I have never seen those who have lost doing the reaching themselves. Third, if I went to a real life support group every night of the week people wouldn't be complaining about it. They would think it was a good thing. So when my support is on the computer why is it being preceived as a bad thing that takes up all my time?
I know Carleigh is in Heaven and is safe and happy. Experiencing grief doesn't mean that you don't trust, love, or have faith in God. My grieving and the grieving of so many other moms is normal and it shouldn't be perceived otherwise.
I can certainly see things through others' eyes. That's never been a problem.
I think that the important thing is that she is dealing with it. She's not ignoring it or being destructive. She's doing her best, which I just wanted to add, is better than anyone else I've ever seen who's suffered such a loss. There are hundreds of other people who want to thank her for her help. And her family is loved and healthy. I give kudos.
Well Holly, I must disagree with you on a couple of points(this is only my opinion so don't be mad at me). I don't believe you can see things through others' eyes. My interpretation of your comment was very defensive on your part, and the only thing mom is doing is expressing her feelings. Don't you get it?? Mom is trying to figure out what to do to make the process easier for you. I wouldn't be so upset if maybe your comment came across as a little more sympathetic towards mom's feelings. Have you ever asked her how she was feeling? I also hate to break it to you, but trust me I notice a lot of differences in you since Carleigh's passing, but would I expect anything less...NO. I understand it's a life changing circumstance, but believe me you're hurting the people around you (and not just family) and apparently you don't even realize it. The people you probably least expect or probably don't intend to hurt are feeling neglected by you and have to watch what they say in fear of you lashing out at them "for not understanding." Have you ever talked to a mom, other than the computer moms, that has lost a child? For example, Aunt Sherry or Beth? Imagine for a second what they went through. They had the opportunity to spend years with their children before God took them away. Imagine what kind of emotions they felt. Maybe it would help to know how they coped with their loss. The computer may be your outlet for your feelings, and I'm not criticizing you for that at all, but maybe you don't realize how much time you are on the computer. How many times were you on the computer when you were home last weekend? Well, I can tell you that as long as we were at mom and dad's you were on there. You weren't in the living room spending time with your family. Have you ever thought that maybe my feelings get hurt when you don't want to spend time with us? Maybe it makes me feel like the "computer world" is more important then spending QUALITY time with the people that do care about you and want to help you, but you are coming across as if you don't want our help at all. You just need to be careful with the computer because not everyone is who they say they are. I'm not trying to sound crabby or mean, but Holly, you need to realize that the people your hurting has lost people close to them also, maybe not a child, but they have experienced loss and know how that feels. You need to watch yourself and how you react to people and their feelings or you may regret your actions someday.
I just found your blog from a link on Caring for Carleigh. Thought I don't know Holly personally, I have been following her blog for the last 2 months. First of all, my sypathy's to you for the loss of your granddaughter.
I too am a grieving mom. You wrote that you want to better understand grief so I felt compelled to comment.
First of all, people don't realize that grief is EXTREMELY physical. It completely drains you leaving you feeling wiped out all of the time. Any relationship or circumstance that was once the slight bit of a challenge is now like climbing Mt. Everest. The task seems so huge and overwhelming that often times you just can't even take the first step. So you avoid just to survive.
Your mind is constantly working to try and process what has happened -- because what has happened is truly inconceivable. All the grief books that I have read say that this process takes about 2 years. The first year is a huge challenge dealing with all of the firsts. And then the second year is about learning to deal with a new normal. Because NO ONE is the same person after they go through the loss of a child -- how could they be?
I have heard over and over again about how everyone grieves differently. I have yet to see that. Everyone that I have met through our Church support group and all of the blogs that I'm following seem to be grieving the same. Everyone just struggles with constantly defending their grief and explaining themselves to others. That is such a huge emotional drain on top of everything else. As a grieving mom, I just want to be supported while I process my grief. I want to be loved and cared for without being "fixed" or "judged".
When someone gets run over by a semi-truck it takes a long time for them to recover. First they struggle to just take a simple breath on their own. They have to work hard to learn to eat again. After a lot of therapy they can stand. With the support of others, they take a few steps-- one at a time. Friends and family applaud their progress. They don't stand in judgement and tell them it's taking too long or that they are doing it wrong. Then, finally, after their body is healed they can run again. That takes time. It does not happen overnight.
I wish that people would understand that an emotional tragedy is just as devastating as a physical tragedy. For some reason, people expect someone that's buried their child to recover faster than someone that has been run over by a truck. I don't get that. I would think that in all cases, physical wounds would heal faster than emotional ones -- but that's how our society thinks.
If you really want to understand more about what grieving is like, I would strongly encourage you to read all the blogs that are connected to Carleigh's blog. I follow most of them. It helps me immensly to know that I am not alone and the struggles that I'm having are not unique. I personally wrote my blog with the purpose of helping people understand because all of our friends and family didn't. We were abandoned by them and didn't have support. I hope that you take time to read it. I think that it will help. Here's the link:
http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2009/06/helpful-posts.html
I would also suggest reading the book of Job in the bible. I can SO relate to Job. I would suggest that you read it slowly, perhaps over a period of days. You will see how Job struggled with his grief. You will see how his Friends supported him at first but then condemned him and emotionally abandoned him because they couldn't fix him. You will see how after time, much time, God is the one that healed Job's heart.
There is a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to GRIEVE and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4
Love,
Trisha
I hope I am not perceived as getting into a family situation. I just wanted to say PLEASE let Holly grieve as she knows best right now. You will miss her if she is on the computer, yes, but if that will help her grieve her baby, then so be it. I can tell you without a doubt that Holly, and Celia, and Stephanie, and so many of the bloggers who have lost children have helped me in my grief journey. And, you may ask how long I have been a bereaved mother? It will be 35 years in October that Meredith Helen was born a preemie and died 3 days later. Because of the medical consensus at that time, my doctors NEVER let me touch her or be in the room with her dead or alive, except I kissed her as I was leaving the funeral.Ten seconds to see her face to face. That is the way things used to be done.Please be thankful that Holly got to hold Carleigh, dress her, have photos made, start a blog, make friends who have had babies like Carleigh and understand her loss. It is because of all these things, that the old/new Holly may someday come back to you and be able to participate as she once did. She and her husband have had a terrible shock to bury their baby instead of taking her home.All of her family I know feels that loss.Please give Holly the time she needs. I was not allowed to grieve when Meredith was born, entered a depression, and still fight it today.I hope I did not step on anyone's toes, it was not intended that way.
God bless you all, Sarita Boyette
sboyette@tx.rr.com
Holly,
Shame on your family for giving you something else to worry about. Shame on them for worrying about their hurt over yours. Shame on them for being offended by some of your actions right now. If they truly understood, they would let you be. They would respond with understanding and compassion. They would let your behaviors be over-looked and continue on being there for you, even if it hurts them sometimes. Shame of them for putting this on your plate too. I am angered and disgusted. I am also disgusted by the public forum in which this took place in. I'm disgusted you have not been given more love. It's not about them. Just you. It's your journey right now, they may have the PRIVILEGE right now to walk it with you, too bad it's not in a more supportive form.
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