A Fountain of Tears

I want to write about Friday before Carleigh was born so I dont forget the event later.
We all gathered anticipating the arrival of our new family member. We set up camp in the waiting room and then went to the room to be with Holly. We were talking , joking and laughing while Holly sat in her bed blogging on the laptop. We even joked about her blogging while having contractions. Pastor Mark Batton said prayer and then we gave Holly some time to herself. Our Pastor Mike was even there from Findlay. We all just kept checking in and out of her room until got closer then it was her and Anthony.
Seemed like hours but at 3:49 am on March 28, 2009 our little Carleigh McKenna was born. I remember sitting in the waiting room talking and joking with family and turned to see Anthony walk down the stairs and I remember hearing his mother Judy say that Anthony was coming but it was the way she said it that caught my ears, and I turned to look at the stairs and I saw the look on his face and I jumped up and walked around the chairs in the waiting room to where he was walking in our direction and I saw him look at us and I knew something was wrong and then I heard him say as he looked down at me "She didnt make it"--"She didn't even get a breath of life" and I must tell you I LOST it completely.
I remember grabbing him and saying no,no, no, no-can't even remember how many times I said that word and I started crying very hard, so hard I felt my whole body hurt almost to the point of falling down but I didnt. I turned away and there stood my mother-in-law who grabbed me after she consoled her son, my husband, my loving husband John and I remember telling her "oh, mom this is awful, it wasnt suppose to be this way, she was suppose to be alive for Holly. And started to cry again. She hugged me. She said she was sorry, then I let go and we all made our way back to Holly's room. And I broke again when I got there and saw this sweet, precious, baby in the arms of my daughter who was in shock and pain. I remember I got to her bed as quickly as I could, as any mother would do and I started crying again and touching Carleigh and I fell on my knees by the side of the bed and just kept crying and someone was trying to help me up and I said "no I want to stay here" and they left me be.
When I got up the pictures were being taken for Holly to remember and Pastor Mark said the kids wanted Carleigh to be dedicated so we all touched each other and prayed again, and then Katrina said she saw her dad crying and she had to look away because she couldnt bear to see her father cry. How that must be for our Father in Heaven. Stayed a little longer then around 5 started making phone calls to some people to let them know. I called Peggy to let her know so she could call our Pastor Mike from Findlay. After that phone call I looked out into the night and started crying again and found myself losing all contol and felt myself slip down the wall from where I was standing onto the floor where I leaned on the wall and cried no no no, oh my kids, oh my kids, and I took my fist and hit the wall at least 5 times until Judy came to me and helped me up and then Anthony was there and he hugged me and told me it was alright, in the midst of HIS pain he is helping his mother-in-law try to understand. Where does he get that strength? He was so calm and in that moment he calmed me. Thank you my son.
Jason and Katrina came and Jason handed his daughter Audrey to me and in that moment I needed to feel her, kiss her, and hold her tightly. I said to her I love you baby, even though she is to little to understand why grandma is crying.
I gathered myself and my thoughts before I would enter the room again. My daughter needed me as nuch as I needed her. What comfort it brings me to be able to feel her, kiss her, and hold her tightly. MY BABY, MY BABY HOLLY.
Where do all the fountain of tears come from, when you think you have no more to give?