Grandma's Arms

I want to continue to write down what I remember of Carleigh's birth so I have an account for years to come to read back on. Saturday her father (John) and I and Kyndra arrived early to see the kids and Carleigh, I guess I couldn't stay away, I needed and wanted to see her as much as I (we) could. Like Holly and Anthony cramming in as much as we could. Bless their hearts for giving the grandparents the opportunity to do this, it has meant so much to us and part of our healing too But like the days before we spent time and then we would head to the waiting room for awhile just going back and forth. I stayed in the waiting room for a bit and then had to see my daughter and grandaughter so I headed back to her room. As I sat beside her and watched her caress her baby girl, my heart just became overwhelmed and started to cry. I put my around Holly, it is kind of theraputic to hold her and look at Carleigh.
Judy (Anthony's mom) walked into the room and sat on the other side of the bed and we chatted with Holly some more. She had mentioned that she wanted to blog some more before she forgot anythiing about the birth. So, when the nurse came in to check her vitals she asked her about it. Well, this nurse was wonderful to her and let her go to the nursery to use the computer,the nursery was empty at the time. She rounded up chairs for us to sit in. So,Holly asked if one of us wanted to hold Carleigh while she blogged and I told Judy she could hold her first. So she took her from Holly and I watched her hold her , stare at her, and caress her little fingers trying to capture every moment in her memory. We talked to Holly too. There is something about the quietness. Judy then handed her to me so she could go to the waiting room to get Bud (Anthony's Dad). So, while she gone I am rocking Carleigh ( just a normal thing to do) and I am singing to her "JESUS LOVES ME" and when I get to the last verse of the song I start getting weaker and quieter and then I break out into tears. I to was holding, caressing, kissing,that litttle angel in my arms and I completely had another melt down. My daughter and I looked at each other and at that moment I said to her "I am so sorry Holly, I really am trying, I really am" And I just kept weeping. I remember it was a hard cry because I found it hard to breathe. By then Judy and Bud were beside me and Judy had her arm around me telling me it was ok and I repeated to them the same as I did for Holly. Bud said to me that i did't have to apologize to anyone, they were my feelings and my grief and it was the process that only I could go through and had to handle it my own way regardless of what others think of me. We all go through the grieving process differently and different levels. That really helped me. I don't ever remember feeling like that before because I truly had a hard time breathing and I think they worried about me.
Carleigh has had that effect on her grandma. I CANNOT even begin to imagine how anyone can travel this road without faith. We know we have it and it is strong BUT, we still cry and mourn because of the process and it is something that can't be helped. We have to go through it to get to the point where we can go on with our daily living. I know we will all make it, it is just the road to travel to get there.