As I sat tonight to read Holly's letter to Carleigh it just brought back a flood of tears. When will it get better? I am traveling down the road now of 2 or 3 days good and then slipping back to a bad one, just like my sister-in-law said I would and I don't like it. When will it get better? I still have these feelings that I am not suppose to feel this way, I am ONLY the grandmother and that my daughter is more entitled to this pain than I am. After all, she IS the mother. But, then I think , wait, just because I am older doesn't mean I am not allowed to feel this hurt, pain, anger, anguish, bitterness, emptiness, etc. It is part of the process right?? But, when will it get better?
I know that time is the only thing on my side, and sometimes I wish time would fast forward quickly so we could feel like we did before Carleigh was born. Happy with anticipation, smiles, laughter, etc. But, yet on the other hand if that happens then I feel a part of me might forget her and I don't want that to ever happen. Why does a woman have these tender longing feelings of compassion and love more it seems. Men have them too but, it lingers in a woman's heart for so long. If this sounds like I am repeating myself forgive me, because I am crying and trying to see the keys.
I had always wanted to be a mother growing up not knowing it would feel like this and I truly love my daughters more than life itself (I hope you can feel that in my writing) and the joy they have both given me through the years and then to make me a grandma was even a greater joy and if you ever saw , or would see, the pictures of me holding Carleigh after her birth you would understand.
A moment I will never forget as long as I live was when I came to the room as fast as I could to see my daughter and Carleigh after the birth and when I walked in that room and saw my daughter's face ( a look etched in my memory forever) I truly wanted to die, she was so broken and my heart felt like it collapsed. I think Holly knew at that moment, how HER mother truly felt about her new granddaughter. It broke me into pieces unimaginable. I think Holly knew at that moment what being a grandma meant to me. Oh, my precious, precious, Carleigh.
And I will be totally honest, when I held her I didn't want to let her go, but knew I had to. There is not a day go by that I don't think of her and miss her terribly.
Another honest fact, this life is hard when we know what we have to do , to get to heaven. Every day is a struggle and should it be? Should it be if we are Christians? I only know that I want to be there to see her and I know God isn't finished with me yet here on earth. So, until then I will do what God calls me to do and work hard at it. And in the mean time will ask "When will it get better"?
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Mom, everyone has their own grieving process that they have to go through. We can all have times of happiness with smiles and laughter and not forget about Carleigh in the meantime. Carleigh will forever be in all of our hearts, and we should not associate her with sadness and emptiness, etc. Look at what she has left behind!! When I think of Carleigh I think of how many lives she has touched and what she continues she do even though she is not physically not here with us. It puts joy in my heart and I can't help but smile when I think of Carleigh. Maybe it helps that I KNOW where she is and that she is more perfect in heaven than she was here on Earth. Who knew that such a little girl could change so many lives. We all miss her very much and trust me, I think of her often. It does my heart well to know that someday I will see her again and so I will continue to do my best to live for God so that happens.
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