Goodbye--Farewell

Fooled you, didn't I? You were a little bit curious by the title and had to check it out. Wow, where has the year went. The days fly by so quickly now. Is it that I am just getting older and notice it or is the earth moving faster? I'd like to think it is the later because I don't feel old, yet.
This year has been something to remember. On January 10, our first granddaughter , Kyndra Renee Haas turned 1 year old. The time flies and it seems like just yesterday she was born. the happiness she has brought her "Papa and Gamma" is more than I can ever describe. She has been a pure joy to watch grow over the past year. January 12, marked the 2 year my beloved Angel (Rottweiler) passed away. I sure do miss her alot. On February 10, our second granddaughter, Audrey Lynn Motter turned 1 year old. I remember her party and the crying she did. That's what happens when you miss a nap. but she liked her party and the people that showered her with love and affection. I remember the day she was born and will the rest of my life. She was the first thing I had ever seen born and I cried like a baby myself just watching this miracle enter the world and here she is now turning 1. Then on the 25th, the love of my life had his birthday. He still looks pretty good to me and still makes my heart go pitter-patter. The months so far are pretty good.
Then the dreary month of March comes upon us. On March 14, the Wilmington Church of the Nazarene has a "Prayer Shower" for Holly and Anthony. Much need prayers for our sweet little Carleigh, who we know ahead of time will not be long in this world and all the love and prayers are being sent to God to give us a miracle we long for. The 27th is our annual Pheasant 4-ever Banquet. But, we don't go this year because John and I make our way to Lees Creek to be with the kids. So, we send everyone else to the banquet on us to enjoy themselves and have a good time.
The day in history, March 28, 2009 at 3:49am our little Carleigh McKenna Haas was born still into this world. She weighed 3 # 15 oz. and was 13 1/2 " long. I remember that day too like it was yesterday. (A woman never forgets the birth of a child, regardless if it is hers or not) I can hear Anthony telling us all she didn't make it and that she never had a breath of life in her and I can still feel my whole body going numb and limp, and slowly falling to the floor.
I remember wanting to go as quickly as I could to see my daughter because my heart ached to be with her, after all she was MY baby. I left everyone else, went through the double doors as quickly as I could and ran down the hall to her room. Took a deep breath , opened the door and entered the room. I saw my daughter, holding her daughter in the shock and numbness of it all. Pale and staring at this daughter she gave birth too and wondering maybe what just happened. The look on her face said it all, I went to her bedside, leaned in to her and looked down and saw for myself this beautiful little soul of a girl that was already taken from us. I said to Holly, " Oh Honey, I am so very sorry, I am so sorry, I love you so much, She is so beautiful". I hugged MY daughter and fell to my knees by her bed and prayed to the Lord above for what just happened and I stayed there for along time, John wanting me to get up and trying to help me but I told him "No" I wanted to stay where I was. I cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life. Feeling a pain I never want to have again and wondering Why, Why, Why............ (More of this is posted on my blog, if you want to read it)
March 29, 2009 , we picked up the kids at the hospital and took them and Carleigh to the funeral home. Again a painful moment for me because it is getting to the final stages and no one wants to be here, especially the kids, this isn't the way it is suppose to be. Not our family, not this life, we don't want it. I remember going out on the porch of the funeral home to get some air and as I am standing there I have a secret plea with God. Are we allowed to have them? I don't know, but I did. My secret plea is "Why Lord? Why now? Why my kids? Lord, they are so young and want her so badly, why not me? Take me instead? I have lived a little longer, do you not want me? What is your purpose for me that you should keep me instead of my granddaughter?" This was my plea or bargain whatever you want to call it. Was I wrong? Does that make me a bad Christian to do that? I stayed with Holly that week and John just brought other clothes when he came back.
AHHH April has arrived. April 3, 2009 was Carleigh's visitation from 6-8 pm and there were lots of people that drove the distance just to give us their heartfelt sympathy. That was so nice of them and the lump in my throat every time a familiar face walked through the door. That lump went to the very pit of my stomach when the girls Holly works with at the hospital walked through the door and the love they had for my daughter in a strange place to me ( I am use to seeing her in my world of home and Carey). The love they have for her meant so much to me and Holly introduced me to each and every one of them (which meant the world to me, that my daughter would deem me so important to want to meet her new friends). I hugged them and thanked them for coming and told them how much I appreciated them for being a friend to my daughter and showing her love and compassion when I cant be there.
NO one wanted to leave the funeral home that night especially the kids, leaving Carleigh behind, how could we.... but, we knew we had to, so we did...
April 4, 2009,The day we say our final goodbyes. Ahhhh, this wasn't going to be easy at all.....
I am thankful for pictures because so much now is a blur (at least the small things) The music, the sermon, the special talks, the slide show. Sitting there with John in a pew, holding me, consoling each other, (he being the stronger one, as usual) and thinking this is all a dream but yet it wasn't. Still wondering why our family and what did it all mean, (I still have no clue) .
"Lord, did you pick our family because you thought we were a strong, well grounded , rooted in your word kind of family"? I'm not sure we are. "What do you see and others see in us that we cant see"? The pain is so unbearable I can hardly breathe, it hurts to breathe, and I lean into John and tell him to hold meas I feel his grip getting tighter and I hang on tighter crying even harder, that I am sure others can hear me but, somehow I don't care. It is between God and myself. We go through hugging and crying and walking out to head to the cemetery.
We are driving to the cemetery and it is along way out but such a serene place, so perfect for her and we go through the motions there and the service is concluded and we sit, and sit, and sit some more, no one knows what to do. We are numb and frozen in our seats. John's sister and mom finally walk up to us and starts hugging and then people start moving.I held on to her tight and cried and then Vicky came too and hugged her even tighter and cried and cried. This is so final and I am already missing my granddaughter and it is to much. Oh, Lord, take me away, I plead in my mind. Finally I get up and take a pink carnation from her casket spray, whisper "Grandma loves you very much Carleigh" and walk away. We finally make our way back to the church for the fellowship and the meal. It is much different on the end of such a thing to be the attendee instead of fixing the meal for someone else.
We round out the month for Katrina's birthday on the 26th, taking her to a favorite place to eat, I'm sure.