Wonder

I know my cousin Beth, has been wanting to see a post for quite some time and quite frankly just don't know what to write about anymore. Either that or I am busy and time flies by me, I would like to think the later. We just got home from church for the Christmas Eve candlelight service and as we are singing "Silent Night" I start to cry because once again I think of my little Carleigh.
How wonderful and exciting it must be to spend your first Christmas with Jesus!!! Not knowing about Heaven I can only imagine she is sitting on someones lap and is happy and laughing. And wanting us to be happy here on earth for her and for us. I don't think even as little as she is that she would want us to sit and mope around, or cry for her. She is in a far better place than us, a place we can only dream about while we are here. A place I personally vision that is the most beautiful (more beautiful than my Hawaii-lol). I don't even thin we can even begin to see the picture of how it is, so I will leave it at that. But, I know she has lots of relatives and friends looking out for her till we get there to be with her, that I am sure of.
I wonder what the New Year will bring? Or do I want to know? Perhaps not. But, whatever the Lord gives us we will take with grateful hearts and praise him for the things he has given us and the many bountiful blessings HE has given this family.
Yes, we could sit and wonder all day long but then we wouldn't get anything done, so to all of you who read this just be patient with me as I try to keep up with my writings and things to write about. I WILL keep it up Beth, I promise!

Understanding

Why can't we understand? Why can't people try to understand? 8 months have passed and I know my writings seem like I have moved on and forgotten all before me. But, I haven't. the pain is still here. yes, we have a new one in the family but, is it fair to her to feel less love and mourn the one who is with Jesus and is happy? My heart says no, maybe that is Jesus whispering to me telling me so.
And i feel for my daughter even though my words and actions may not show it but, no one sees me in the quiet hours and my tears. A mother's grief is surely painful, but, a grandmother's is double the pain. Maybe I have never truly grieved I don't know. I only know what I feel in my heart and it comes in waves and i take it as it comes and deal accordingly.
I want to make......no, I will make a memorial spot on my wall for my dear granddaughter, Carleigh. I hold, feel, and see Kinsey (oh, I love her so much) but, I picture the granddaughter I can't hold, feel, or see. All I can do is create the memory to look at and it will HAVE TO be good enough till I see her face to face again.
I can never or will never be able to explain to anyone how this grief has been for me. It is hitting me every 28th of each month. May God continue to help me, help me to understand, help me grow in HIM and my faith in HIM. Help me to help others, Dear Lord to understand that my moving on and being happy doesn't mean I don't miss her terribly and love her with every depth of my heart and soul.
Help us all through this journey and the holidays and years ahead till we see her again.
Help people Lord, to understand that even though I may not speak of her often does not mean I have forgotten her. I will NEVER forget her.
I hold Kinsey (and future grandchildren) and wonder the WHAT IFS and WHYS. Thank you for loving me Lord and helping me through these holidays that lie ahead. I can only understand part of your pain in losing your SON for us. Help us all to feel worthy for the loss you GAVE us.

New Birth

Well, SHE IS HERE!!!!!!!!! Our little Kinsey Marie that is. She was born on Nov 5, 2009 and she is beautiful. Looks like her sister, Audrey. For all we have been through I wondered if God would bring happiness to us all again and he has in the form of this little girl, our granddaughter and niece. God had planned all along for this new miracle and sent her at this time for us as a family to help in our journey and our healing. And HE always knows what HE is doing. AND IT IS WORKING!!!!!!! She has melted our hearts and brought us joy. And like her sister and cousin she will be told all about our little Carleigh and she will know by the pictures who she is and grow up waiting like the rest of us to meet her again.
New Birth, nothing like it, to help us heal and love again. Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what we need even if we don't. Our family loves you and gives you praise for what you do for us and give to us.