Why can't we understand? Why can't people try to understand? 8 months have passed and I know my writings seem like I have moved on and forgotten all before me. But, I haven't. the pain is still here. yes, we have a new one in the family but, is it fair to her to feel less love and mourn the one who is with Jesus and is happy? My heart says no, maybe that is Jesus whispering to me telling me so.
And i feel for my daughter even though my words and actions may not show it but, no one sees me in the quiet hours and my tears. A mother's grief is surely painful, but, a grandmother's is double the pain. Maybe I have never truly grieved I don't know. I only know what I feel in my heart and it comes in waves and i take it as it comes and deal accordingly.
I want to make......no, I will make a memorial spot on my wall for my dear granddaughter, Carleigh. I hold, feel, and see Kinsey (oh, I love her so much) but, I picture the granddaughter I can't hold, feel, or see. All I can do is create the memory to look at and it will HAVE TO be good enough till I see her face to face again.
I can never or will never be able to explain to anyone how this grief has been for me. It is hitting me every 28th of each month. May God continue to help me, help me to understand, help me grow in HIM and my faith in HIM. Help me to help others, Dear Lord to understand that my moving on and being happy doesn't mean I don't miss her terribly and love her with every depth of my heart and soul.
Help us all through this journey and the holidays and years ahead till we see her again.
Help people Lord, to understand that even though I may not speak of her often does not mean I have forgotten her. I will NEVER forget her.
I hold Kinsey (and future grandchildren) and wonder the WHAT IFS and WHYS. Thank you for loving me Lord and helping me through these holidays that lie ahead. I can only understand part of your pain in losing your SON for us. Help us all to feel worthy for the loss you GAVE us.
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Linda,
I know you wrote this post weeks ago but I want to encourage you to continue to write. It's healing and it's helpful. I knew many years ago that God gave you a gift of writing (I still have the poem you wrote about a gumball and it's one of my favorites) - If the 28th of each month hits you hard with emotion, how about planning a gift of joy on the 28th of each and every month. Set up a schedule or a list and tell yourself that on the 28th of each month you will reach out and give a gift of joy in memory of Carleigh, so bake some cookies, send a card, pick up a phone, share a smile, give a hug and tell yourself that it's because of Carleigh. No, doing all of those things won't bring your granddaughter back but there's something powerful in quiet, generous moments. In giving to others, you cannot help but begin to heal. God loves you and so do I. Remember healing takes a lifetime, loving others can happen every single day.
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