Day Before

Well, this is the day before Carleigh's Birthday. I have been putting off writing anything mainly because I didn't know what to write. I don't know why I have such trouble on here anymore but I do. Anyway, I have been trying to think of what to write and getting the thoughts in order if there is such a thing as order.
We left this morning to go to Wilmington for the birthday /memorial party and my daughter did an excellent job and for all who missed it, you missed something wonderful you can never take back and do over. I am so proud of my daughter for all she has accomplished and been through in a year. She is MY hero. We follow by example and she is sure giving me good ones, I only hope that I can live up to them.
Everything was so perfect (as perfect as it can be), the tables were decorated with white tablecloths and purple balloons, candles and little feet confetti that Holly had made herself. It was so pretty. Carleigh's birthday cake was so pretty and it tasted so good too, I loved it. Good choice kids! The only thing missing was our little girl getting to poke her finger in the cake and making a mess like the other girls did.
We ate and visited with friends and family that took time out of their day to spend it with us and it meant so much. Really touched my heart. Then we wrote our messages on cards Holly had with Carleigh's name printed on a flower petal and tied them to a balloon. We packed up and headed to the cemetery one by one. The only thing missing was the Motter family as our little Audrey was really sick and couldn't come. Poor thing, she was so looking forward to seeing her cousin. Back to story, we filed into the cemetery one by one and walked over to Carleigh's grave and held on to our balloons as Hannah read something she wrote and then we sang "Happy Birthday" to Carleigh and then released our balloons and watched them till they all disappeared from sight.
I thought I had gotten a little tougher in a year but as we drove in the cemetery and I saw her grave, tears welled up in my eyes once again. Flashbacks coming back ever so quickly and visions of that final day saying goodbye.
This grandma's heart will be forever broken as long as I live here on earth. I love my grandchildren with all that I am and love seeing them laugh, cry, stumble, jump, run, talk (love the toddler talk) even potty train. And the sorrow of never being able to have that with Carleigh is just to much to bear.
Oh Lord, even after a year my heart is still broken and I have tried (and still trying) to move forward with the new additions to the family because I know you have everything under control and taking good care of her, far better than we ever could. But, you see this heart that you created feels torn and the tear isn't healing as quickly as I would like it to be. There is a purpose I am sure I just cant figure it out. I am trying in my daily walk to be in the place where you want me to be, I so desperately want to be in Heaven and work at it everyday. But, you already know that.
Thank you for reminding us that you were there with us today by having the "horses" by the fence. Just like the day of the funeral. I don't even have to tell you to take good care of my little granddaughter because I know you are far better than I ever could. But, you know I miss her deeply. Give her hugs and kisses from her grandma on this her special day. Her 1st birthday.
Let her know the flowers we got for cemetery are for her birthday, that's all I could get her.
I love you Carleigh and miss you.-----------All my love forever---Grandma